10 Nov Not Getting What I Wanted Gave Me Exactly What I Needed
Finding fulfillment in life by making a you-turn and doing the deeper work.]
Have you ever felt that nagging frustration of not getting what you want in your relationship—or any part of life? If you have, you’re not alone. I’d like to share a surprising truth I’ve learned: sometimes, notgetting what we want leads us to discover what truly makes us happy.
My Story: Trying to Get My Partner to Meet My Needs
In the relationship with my husband, I spent a long time trying to get him to care for me in the ways I thought he should. I wanted him to soothe my feelings, anticipate my needs, and, in some ways, take on responsibilities that were really my own.
I’ll be honest—this wasn’t easy to face. There were times when I was kicking and screaming (I once even crashed my car in rage!) to get him to respond in the ways I expected. But my partner remained grounded and unwavering, refusing to give in to my attempts to make him meet my every need.
Eventually, I realized something profound: the most loving thing he ever did for me was to hold his ground. It was painful at first, but this experience pushed me to stop seeking fulfillment outside of myself. Instead, I turned inward to heal the fears of abandonment and self-doubt that were lurking beneath my demands. I began learning to meet my own needs, which led to a deeper sense of self-worth and strength.
Was this journey long and difficult? Absolutely. But it’s given me the foundation for a loving, fulfilling relationship—a relationship that’s built on giving rather than taking, on bringing fullness rather than seeking it. Today, I see love as something we offer from a place of wholeness, not as something we try to draw out of another person.
Finding Fulfillment Within Ourselves: How You Can Start This Journey
If you’re feeling the pain of unmet needs in any part of your life—whether in your relationship, at work, or elsewhere—here are some insights that helped me shift my perspective. I hope they bring you some clarity, too.
This isn’t to say that our partner shouldn’t meet any of our needs or that relationships don’t come with mutual responsibilities. Rather, it’s about cultivating a sense of fulfillment within ourselves that lets us bring more into the relationship. When we’re each pouring into a space of mutual support, love grows.
Today, we’re focusing on what we can do on our own end to feel happier and more fulfilled, which naturally enriches the relationship as well.
Step 1: Pause and Reflect on What’s Really Unmet
When you feel yourself wanting something from someone else, pause for a moment and ask yourself: Is there part of this need that I could meet for myself? For me, the answer was often “yes.” I was looking for someone else to calm my anxieties, reassure my worth, fill an emotional void, or sooth my boredom. But these were things I needed to give to myself.
Step 2: Go Beneath the Surface of Your Frustration
Many of us experience a cycle of complaints or frustration in our relationships. But if we go a bit deeper, we might discover more important questions. For example, instead of telling myself, “He never does what I want,” I learned to ask, “What am I really feeling here?” and “What need am I hoping he’ll fill?”
Try asking yourself:
Why is this such a big topic for me?
What are my feelings—and what are the true needs they reveal?
What are my deeper fears or desires beneath it?
What are the responsibilities I need to own?
What are the steps I can take going forward?
Step 3: Taking Action On Creating Your Own Happiness
Self-fulfillment is an ongoing process that requires intentional action and commitment. To begin, it helps to focus on several foundational areas:
Healing old wounds that may be impacting your current relationships. Often, past experiences shape how we perceive and respond to others. Unresolved attachment issues, fears of abandonment, or lingering pain from previous relationships can create a barrier to feeling truly secure.
Learning to feel and manage your own emotions. This means building the capacity to handle uncomfortable feelings like anxiety, insecurity, or loneliness without needing external reassurance. When you practice sitting with and understanding your emotions, you grow more confident in taking care of your emotional well-being.
Creating a plan for your dreams, hobbies, and interests. Nurturing what lights you up is key to feeling fulfilled on your own. If you’ve always wanted to explore a new skill—like learning a musical instrument, discovering different restaurants, doing something exciting or fun like skydiving, or booking solo travel adventures—make a plan to bring those desires into reality.
Taking action on business ventures or projects that give you a sense of purpose. Having ambitions outside of your relationship—whether in business, creative projects, or other ways of creating financial independence—not only allows you to contribute to the world but also reinforces your sense of worth and accomplishment. This autonomy and stability, in turn, bring fresh energy and confidence into your relationships.
Embracing Freedom in Love
Today, I’m grateful for the journey that not getting what I wanted has taken me on in my relationship, and even in my business. I’ve discovered that love is about giving, not taking. When we meet our own needs, we bring a richer, fuller version of ourselves into our relationships. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.